Uncontrollable

Fears are what keep us from pursuing things in life. For example, I have an irrational fear of people not liking me. This fear keeps my true self paralyzed and a false representation of myself to surface. I try to be someone everyone likes, even though I know it is impossible. I shove my personality deep inside and become a people pleaser, a try-hard, a fake. I become someone I am not to fit into every single standard there are to become someone loveable. And even though I know this is exhausting to keep up, I still continue to morph myself daily for other people. There are a fair share of people who still do not like me, however, and that is what gets to me every night.

Fears make me cower and shake. Fear makes me into someone I hate. But no one can help fear. Even myself, as I hate the way I am towards people, I know I cannot cure myself because that is just the way I am. I don't exactly know why I want people to like me so much. I believe it has something to do with me wanting to be loved and to be enough.

Even if I tried to stop, how do I know who really likes me for me and not who I am pretending to be? How is anyone going to know the real me? I have kept my personality hidden for so long, I ,myself, do not even know who I am.

Who am I? I ask this daily. I have no idea, and frankly, I am not sure I even want to know. I somewhat enjoy being lost. Being lost means I have an excuse for things that I do or think or feel. I can blame anything on simply not knowing who I am. As tiring as this sounds, I like living in a false world (like Neverland). Pretending is so much easier than facing the cold slap of truth.

"Now you're lost, lost in the heat of it all. Girl you know you're lost, lost in the thrill of it all." - Frank Ocean

- Not Wendy